I think there are many factors that have played into this feeling, but I can pinpoint one exact moment where my confidence was shattered – I received a disappointing and, from my perspective, a devastating performance review at work. I mean crying in my boss’ office devastating….so, let me back track a minute – I have been in my current role as a technology consultant for 4 years now. It is my first job out of college and I am a Type A, overachiever who strives to provide the best work to both my colleagues and our clients. I say this half dramatically, but I have dedicated my life to this place and a large piece of my (short) adult life has been focused on my job (I often work long hours, travel almost every Mon-Thurs for the past 3+ years and it’s scary to think that I sometimes spend more nights in a hotel room in a month than I do in my apartment).
Over the past 18 months, I felt like I had found my footing and starting gaining confidence in myself. This was also the time that I found confidence in myself through this blog and outside of work. (Now looking back – they probably are more linked than I initially thought.) But, going into my performance review, I thought I was going to get a decent rating and told to keep up the good work – I really thought everything was dandy…
Then I got the news – that I was not performing to the degree I should be and was at the bottom of my “class.” Woah – where did that come from? Initially, I was shocked and then the news began to set in and the best way to explain it was that my heart was/is broken. A colleague and I were talking about it over drinks last weekend and I was comparing it to dating (lots of stories for another time) and it felt like a time when you say “I love you” to a significant other and they say something to the effect of “I really am not sure where this relationship is going.” OUCH!
Needless to say, I needed time to heal – and I am still healing. I am trying to determine what my path in life is. Do I stay on the same trajectory? SO MANY QUESTIONS and soul-searching moments have been had this past month. And I still don’t know most of the answers. Part of the problem is I am indecisive and not a risk taker; so life-changing decisions are not my strong suit. And a lot of the problem is that I just don’t know the answers and need time to digest and really pray/reflect about my path.
One of the best things I have done for myself during this trying season is to just take time for myself – to sit quietly and think about my current situation and what I want my future to look life. To journal and to take the time to feel the emotions I am feeling. When attending church service two weeks ago, my pastor was talking about grief because we had lost a young member of our community. The one statement that resonated with me was “You have to take the time to feel these tough emotions because if you don’t you will become numb to all emotions – even the highest of highs.” And so, I have tried to do that – I am taking the time to mend my “broken heart”. (Side note: isn’t it amazing how God can give us the exact words we need in each moment – I am still so in awe. Also, I hope y’all know that I am in no way comparing my situation to the loss of a young man – I cannot even imagine what his family is going through). I am almost certain that this won’t be the hardest time I will face in my life, but it has been a major setback in both my professional and personal journey and I know that I have learned so much about myself from it.
Slowly, but surely, I have been getting back to myself and am starting to gain the confidence back that I lost. This experience has made me more grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life! I have been sporadically posting because I love sharing my passion here, but don’t want to overwhelm you with my struggles. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me!! Thank you for understanding that the loops life throws at us can knock us down, but it is how we get back up that counts.
If you’ve read this far – thank you!!! I really don’t know what else to say. The support of my family, friends and this community has helped me to recognize my value and re-affirm that this one struggle is just a phase in my life and there are so many more opportunities for me to grow and succeed! Thank you, thank you to all of those who have listened to me lament and encouraged me to continue to reach for my dreams. I can never say how much this means to me!
To close out this long-winded post, I wanted to share with y’all some of the affirmations and lessons I have taken away from this:
- I am AMAZING – and so are you!
- We all have our gifts/talents and we need to share them.
- We are all going to have trying times – I think that is just apart of life and I will get through it.
- It may feel like the biggest boulder at the time, but once you get it up the hill – you will become a stronger person!
- You will gain your confidence back – it may take time, but it will happen.
- At the end of the day, I am right where I am meant to be! Who knows, this time may be preparing me for something much bigger!
- Love and support can conquer anything!
Remember – confidence and body positivity is a journey! Embrace the ups and downs because you can always learn from it!
